Ryan

Ryan

I was born and raised in the Bahamas. My dad Osbert is Jamaican and, my mum Lynne is British. They both moved there around Independence. So, when the people that were working there moved away, they were looking throughout the Commonwealth, for people to work there. I lived there until I was eighteen. Growing up there was obviously fun. The beaches, the weather and that communal aspect. I went to the same school with the same people and even though I’ve lost touch with some of them, they have become family. We grew up together from kindergarten straight up until I was eighteen.

Because it’s very religious growing up there was definitely challenging, knowing that I was queer or different,. A lot of things aren’t spoken about. You don’t have the space to speak about them because of the religious, conservative point of view, that I think is throughout most of the Caribbean. Although, I think it’s changing and becoming more progressive. So that made me want to travel. It made me want to get out of that environment. You watch television and the news, and you see people living their lives. I think it kept me hopeful, that there were other things out there, other communities out there. So, I would watch those programmes and think if I explore more, I’ll feel more comfortable within myself. I knew I wanted to go to college outside of the Bahamas and experience more.

I moved to the Netherlands where I attained a scholarship at United World College Maastricht, where there were around one hundred people all from different places coming together. I studied the International Baccalaureate programme. That’s when I started to feel a little bit more comfortable with being open. But also, at the time because I felt like I had to always be a certain way at home, it was kind of difficult for me to come to terms with that, even with being outside. I was eighteen when I moved, and I still had not told people who I was. It wasn’t until later in my early twenties when

I went to Atlanta Georgia in the States and art school that I started to own it because there were so many queer, different, artsy, fluid people who were there. Just seeing people live their lives, express themselves through their art and stuff like that made me feel like I could then open up about it. Savannah where the college is based, is like a bubble in the South because there are so many Arts students who have become a part of the town or who live in the town. Especially the downtown, where there is a lot of gentrification, and the college has taken over the town so it has become more progressive and open. If you went outside of that bubble, you would not be as willing to express yourself.

I wanted to study painting and a part of me regrets not pursuing that. I got into advertising because I enjoy taking bits from everywhere, instead of being streamlined into just doing one thing. I wanted to dip in and out of different industries. At college in Maastricht, I studied higher level visual arts and I spent a lot of my time doing that work and that was what I was passionate about. A lot of the work that I did then was also about identity, an exploration into who I am and sexuality. I remember painting a robotic male figure as I was trying to understand my relationship to men. So, I was in a process of trying to present that to other people. I feel a lot of the stuff I do is visualising what I am thinking. It’s all a transition and I can see how even from then to now, in terms of doing drag, it’s a continuation of understanding and accepting myself. Letting go of all the things that told me I couldn’t be the way I was and act the way I am.

After Georgia, I went to Chicago, again a segregated city. I followed a partner at the time there. I remember just going there and there was a village called ‘Boys Town’, kind of like the gay village of Chicago. I just remember seeing so many gay people just living their lives in the same area. I was like..”wow”, this exists. Just seeing everyone being themselves was a big eye opener for me. I was there for two years and that was around the time of the Trump era when I was trying to find a job there, so that didn’t necessarily pan out. They would ask if I needed sponsorship and I would say “yes” and they would say “no.” So, at that point I had to leave. I was also just a little overwhelmed I think with that city life. I was like okay, it’s probably a good time to go back home. But then also in the back of my mind I knew that the life I was going live at home, like I would have to confront the things I thought I had left there when I was eighteen, before I moved away.

It was nice to go back to the Bahamas as an adult, just to see that there is a community there. That there are more queer spaces or queer friendly spaces, galleries and exhibitions that are trying to push the boundaries more. Obviously, it’s still not widely accepted but because of peoples influence to media…it’s a start. I feel like the walls have come down because of access to seeing things and seeing how other people are moving forward. It was good going back because I saw those faces and progress being made at the same time. But I felt myself treading backwards into being high school Ryan. The Ryan who was unable to express myself outwardly, was expected to act a certain way and dress a certain way. I was there for two years and in my last six months there, the Covid thing started. I made a pact with myself that I would only stay there for two years. Because I felt like I then wanted to go somewhere else because I got used to expressing myself freely.

In Chicago I would dress up in drag. In the Bahamas there was none of that and also, living with my parents I would feel uncomfortable going out, even if I just painted my nails, wore make up, wore pants that were tight. It would be in my consciousness. I mean, probably people would just look at you and go about their day. But for me the thought of, the fact that when I was there before I still had that mentality. So, towards the end, even before Covid, I just started to not really go out a whole lot or just go to places that were touristy. I would go to places where I felt that people would care less. So, I’d go to hotel bars, instead of local places. I think there is one queer friendly bar in the Bahamas, but it’s not labelled as such. But I know people go there and its fine. The bar tenders and owners are very accepting and welcoming people. But I did find myself wanting to express myself more, as I feel that outward expression helps the feeling of just being. I started watching things like ‘Drag Race’, ‘Queer TV’ and other queer shows and found myself missing that. So, on my Instagram posts, I would make myself look different digitally wearing make-up, to get a feeling of what that was like. I always knew in the back of my head that I would eventually move to London. So that was keeping me hopeful, knowing there would be a time where I would get to move, I’d get to express myself and get to explore a different scene, a queer scene, night life and stuff like that. That kept me going and kept me motivated to live..to be honest. So that’s when I decided to move during Covid.

There was a chance that I could have gone home this Christmas but right now a part of me doesn’t feel confident enough to go back. Although that is the angle. That’s what I want to do. But there is a sadness because when I go back, I remember what it was like when I was there. I know it’s different now and I can appreciate different parts of it. But there is definitely a cloud that comes up when I think about going back and interacting with people there. Because I know that you can definitely come across to the majority, the people who will accept you, but not really. The idea of me becoming smaller comes to mind. However, I would like to return at some point in the near future. Even posting the images we produced, the ones of me in drag, makes me feel an irrational fear - a little bit of paranoia and worry that someone back home may have seen them. It’s my internal fear that I have to work on. I know nothing will happen and I will feel better when I do return as it’s like taking back the power and that’s what I want to do. To show people that you can be anything and still be a part of the community.

I already knew I wanted to come to the UK as I had fond memories of visiting with my mum. She is a pastor’s daughter, so she travelled all over. But her family was pushed out of the church, and she lost faith because of that. My dad also has a spiritual connection but neither of them go to church. I think they have now come to accept who I am even though they are a different generation. With their backgrounds, they grew up with the more conventional ‘we want you to have children’… so coming to London was a way to reconnect with those fond memories of visiting here with my mum many years ago. I knew London was one of the most accepting places to be with queer spaces. I knew I needed city life and to explore myself within a city and just live without having to worry about things. Friends advised me that East London was a good place to live and I took that as a sign I should stay. And when I found a place, I did not know it was close to ‘Glory’ a gay bar with drag. So that made me also think, this is meant to be, and I have been loving it ever since. I feel that you go down the street and see everybody just being themselves on nights out or in bars. Although there have been times where it has been challenging, I definitely feel like it’s a place where I am meant to stay to fully become who I want to be. Out of all the places I have lived there isn’t quite the same cohesion or mixing from different backgrounds, that I have seen here. I feel like there is definitely a space for everybody but also every space is for everybody. Ridley Road is a unique pocket of culture. It reminds me of some places back home where they have people doing their own thing. It’s like going back into the past, but it’s still in the future.

For me it’s still a journey. I feel like sometimes you dress up, you look different, your’re fluid. People may not say anything to you, or treat you any differently, but there are some people who will give a second look. I remember walking past a school in neon pants and I heard one of the kids shout ‘batty boy’. Although that doesn’t affect me now as I know kids will be kids and they are often just repeating what other people say, so I get that and for the majority of it, I do feel secure being myself. I do feel that mainstream bars and date culture is segregated and it’s sometimes hard to feel included as a person of colour. I also saw this in Chicago and even though you may have found your people you still feel on the borderline. When I watched the most recent series of Drag-Race UK, only one of the contestants was black. I went to an event in East London that was an Afro-Caribbean queer party and that was a moment where I was like wow..all these things are coming together and enjoying themselves.

Online spaces are important because they keep us together when we can’t get together. They had an online pride event, dance party called Club Q based in Canada on digital media and Instagram and it’s good because you can see people living their lives. It keeps us together without assembling together, which is not always possible. Social media shows images that are important for diverse people and minorities. In the Bahamas I would like to do something if I have the strength. I would like to see the church and the schools own the fact that there are going to be people who are different and queer, and be there for those people. Right now, it’s not there and a lot of people are scared because of that. I had to go through that myself for eighteen years and learn about the Bible when I had questions, but I just had to accept it. They need to allow diversity into schools, and I would love to be a part of that.

My image above was one of those moments when I saw myself for the first time. I saw that people will accept you, and appreciate you for doing that, and being who you are whether it looks good. It was definitely, a moment of I’m moving in the right direction and I’m finding myself and getting close to me being who I want to be. Seeing myself with all the other people on the wall and in that environment does make me feel like I am a part of something. People have contacted me to tell me they have seen me in the exhibition, or I have met people in a club who have recognised me. It shows me how connected everybody is here and how willing they are to support you.